If I Were You

Introduction and Setting

• • The Scene: The play opens in a lonely cottage in Essex. The occupant, Vincent Charles Gerrard, is a man of medium height wearing horn-rimmed glasses and a lounge suit. He speaks with a cultured voice.
• • Initial Action: Gerrard is on the phone, telling someone he cannot promise to be there but expects to be. After hanging up, he begins packing a travelling bag.
• • The Intrusion: A man enters silently from the right. He physically resembles Gerrard and is dressed in an overcoat and soft hat. He is carrying a revolver.

The Confrontation

• • The Threat: The Intruder orders Gerrard to put his hands up ("paws up"). Gerrard remains surprisingly calm and nonchalant, which irritates the Intruder.
• • The Interrogation: The Intruder forces Gerrard to sit and begins asking personal questions. He wants to know if Gerrard lives alone, what his Christian names are, and if he owns a car.
• • Gathering Intel: The Intruder establishes that Gerrard runs a car, rarely sees visitors (only tradespeople like the baker and milkman), and lives a somewhat mysterious, solitary life.

The Intruder's Plan

• • Criminal Background: The Intruder reveals he is a jewel thief. He has already killed a police officer and is currently on the run.
• • Identity Theft: The Intruder explains his motive: he intends to kill Gerrard and take on his identity. Since they look alike, he believes he can live as Vincent Charles Gerrard and stop running from the police.
• • Rehearsal: The Intruder mimics Gerrard’s voice and mannerisms to prove he can pull off the deception. He notes that Gerrard’s clothes will fit him perfectly.

Gerrard's Counter-Strategy

• • Keeping Cool: Instead of panicking, Gerrard engages the Intruder in conversation, critiquing his plan as heavy-handed and melodramatic.
• • The Fabrication: Gerrard spins a lie to save his life. He tells the Intruder that killing him will not help. He claims that he, too, is a criminal wanted by the police.
• • "I Said It With Bullets": Gerrard explains his mysterious lifestyle by claiming he had to shoot someone to escape a tight spot. He says he is currently expecting the police to raid his cottage because one of his men was caught with incriminating evidence.
• • The "Proof": Gerrard points to his packed bag and a disguise outfit (false moustaches, etc.) as proof that he is preparing to flee immediately.

The Trap

• • The Offer: Gerrard convinces the Intruder that they should flee together in Gerrard’s car. He warns that the police will be there any minute.
• • Setting the Bait: A telephone bell rings, which Gerrard claims is a warning from his lookout man. He urges the Intruder to hurry.
• • The Capture: Gerrard opens a door, claiming it leads to the garage. The Intruder, still holding his gun but turning his head to inspect the exit, leans forward.
• • The Climax: Gerrard pushes the Intruder into the cupboard and slams the door locked. The impact knocks the revolver out of the Intruder’s hand.

Conclusion

• • Securing the Prisoner: The Intruder shouts and rattles the door from inside. Gerrard picks up the revolver and stands guard.
• • The Phone Call: Gerrard answers the phone. It is a colleague asking about props for a rehearsal. Gerrard apologizes for the delay, mentioning he had a "spot of bother."
• • Final Irony: Gerrard asks the caller to send the Sergeant to the cottage. He muses that the entire incident is amusing enough to include in his next play.